Who’s
Really Unfaithful Online?
It’s easy to point fingers at politicians like Weiner or Chris Lee (the former U.S. Representative from New York who resigned in February after he posted a bare-chested photo of himself on Craigslist looking for a relationship).
After all, high-profile men are natural risk-takers, says Berman. “These men would never be in the positions they are today if it wasn’t for their desire to take risks, so doing something inappropriate in a public forum, like social media, is part of the high for them.”
Entitlement is another factor. “It’s tied into their sense of power — they think they can have and do what they want,” says Kaiser, who says they also don’t think they’ll get caught in the act. “They have money and power and are surrounded by people who will protect them. They believe they are well-taken care of, to the point of being invincible.”
Berman says that many well-known people are in denial about the probable fallout from their actions. “Bottom line, they think they are above retribution and above consequence.”
But while prominent politicos may be more likely to stray online than others, the truth is that these types of dalliances don’t occur only among the wealthy or powerful — they also affect everyday couples and relationships.
According to a recent survey conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 81 percent of divorce lawyers say they’ve seen an increase in social networking evidence in their cases over the last five years, reports ABA Journal, a publication of the American Bar Association. Facebook was named the “unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence” with two-third of attorneys citing it as a primary source of evidence, followed by MySpace at 15 percent and Twitter at 5 percent.
Also, both Kaiser and Berman point out that it’s not just men behaving badly. “Just because the women in the public eye are not getting caught does not mean women in general are not cheating and flirting online,” says Kaiser. After all, it takes two to strike up a cyber flirtation.
Why People Cyber-Cheat
Kaiser claims that illusion — and especially the illusion of privacy — plays a role in these virtual affairs. “People get wrapped up in the fantasy and completely forget reality,” she says, noting that many people assume no one would question their spending time on Facebook or Twitter.
Social media outlets make it too easy to find old flames or strike up conversations with new friends of friends. Everyone is just so available — and there’s a curiosity element that affects everyone to some extent, regardless of how happily married or coupled you are. While online infidelity is more likely to occur in relationships that already have issues — emotional or sexual distance, for example — “the reality is that anyone can do it,” says Kaiser.
Though exchanges may start as harmless flirting, they can trigger a compelling emotional and physical reaction. “During the heat of the moment comes a rush of exhilaration from being naughty and sneaky,” Kaiser says. “The blood in the body is rushing somewhere else, and it’s not to the brain!” The instantaneous feedback and immediate gratification make for an irresistible environment that keeps drawing you back. And the slope can get very slippery, very quickly.
The Red Flags of Online Cheating
Worried this could happen in your relationship? Kaiser and Berman say be on the lookout for signs that may indicate your partner is caught up in an online affair:
“The person must be willing to take responsibility for themselves and their relationship,” she says. “A clinician will be able to guide you toward the process of rebuilding trust and of healing. The good news is that you can end up with a better relationship because of this new level of awareness.”
She also offers this rule of thumb for staying out of trouble online: “Do not do or say anything, or behave in any way that you wouldn’t in front of your partner. It’s that simple.”
As for Huma Abedin (Anthony Weiner’s wife) or any other spouse who has been hit with proof of their partner’s extramarital electronic activities, Kaiser says it’s not up to a professional — or the public — to decide what should happen next.
“Every couple has different rules and defines cheating in various ways,” she explains. “Social networking is fairly new, so people are creating their own rules. It’s ultimately up to the spouse to decide if and how this type of behavior will affect their relationship.”
It’s easy to point fingers at politicians like Weiner or Chris Lee (the former U.S. Representative from New York who resigned in February after he posted a bare-chested photo of himself on Craigslist looking for a relationship).
After all, high-profile men are natural risk-takers, says Berman. “These men would never be in the positions they are today if it wasn’t for their desire to take risks, so doing something inappropriate in a public forum, like social media, is part of the high for them.”
Entitlement is another factor. “It’s tied into their sense of power — they think they can have and do what they want,” says Kaiser, who says they also don’t think they’ll get caught in the act. “They have money and power and are surrounded by people who will protect them. They believe they are well-taken care of, to the point of being invincible.”
Berman says that many well-known people are in denial about the probable fallout from their actions. “Bottom line, they think they are above retribution and above consequence.”
But while prominent politicos may be more likely to stray online than others, the truth is that these types of dalliances don’t occur only among the wealthy or powerful — they also affect everyday couples and relationships.
According to a recent survey conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 81 percent of divorce lawyers say they’ve seen an increase in social networking evidence in their cases over the last five years, reports ABA Journal, a publication of the American Bar Association. Facebook was named the “unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence” with two-third of attorneys citing it as a primary source of evidence, followed by MySpace at 15 percent and Twitter at 5 percent.
Also, both Kaiser and Berman point out that it’s not just men behaving badly. “Just because the women in the public eye are not getting caught does not mean women in general are not cheating and flirting online,” says Kaiser. After all, it takes two to strike up a cyber flirtation.
Why People Cyber-Cheat
Kaiser claims that illusion — and especially the illusion of privacy — plays a role in these virtual affairs. “People get wrapped up in the fantasy and completely forget reality,” she says, noting that many people assume no one would question their spending time on Facebook or Twitter.
Social media outlets make it too easy to find old flames or strike up conversations with new friends of friends. Everyone is just so available — and there’s a curiosity element that affects everyone to some extent, regardless of how happily married or coupled you are. While online infidelity is more likely to occur in relationships that already have issues — emotional or sexual distance, for example — “the reality is that anyone can do it,” says Kaiser.
Though exchanges may start as harmless flirting, they can trigger a compelling emotional and physical reaction. “During the heat of the moment comes a rush of exhilaration from being naughty and sneaky,” Kaiser says. “The blood in the body is rushing somewhere else, and it’s not to the brain!” The instantaneous feedback and immediate gratification make for an irresistible environment that keeps drawing you back. And the slope can get very slippery, very quickly.
The Red Flags of Online Cheating
Worried this could happen in your relationship? Kaiser and Berman say be on the lookout for signs that may indicate your partner is caught up in an online affair:
- He or she is secretive when it comes to email, cell phone, and social media accounts — there are passwords for your home computer, or they switch windows or log off the computer when you’re nearby, for example. Both Berman and Kaiser say that spouses should have each others’ email passwords — not so much as a reason to spy, but because it can help in the event of an emergency, and what do you really have to hide?
- He or she spends more off-work hours time on the computer than with you.
- Your partner is attached to his or her phone or BlackBerry — they answer text messages immediately, and almost compulsively.
- Your monthly cell phone bill is higher due to texting.
- Your spouse is significantly nicer (a sign of guilt) or suddenly nasty (a sign of trying to convince himself or herself that their behavior is justified) to you.
- You discover that your partner has a secret social media or e-mail account.
“The person must be willing to take responsibility for themselves and their relationship,” she says. “A clinician will be able to guide you toward the process of rebuilding trust and of healing. The good news is that you can end up with a better relationship because of this new level of awareness.”
She also offers this rule of thumb for staying out of trouble online: “Do not do or say anything, or behave in any way that you wouldn’t in front of your partner. It’s that simple.”
As for Huma Abedin (Anthony Weiner’s wife) or any other spouse who has been hit with proof of their partner’s extramarital electronic activities, Kaiser says it’s not up to a professional — or the public — to decide what should happen next.
“Every couple has different rules and defines cheating in various ways,” she explains. “Social networking is fairly new, so people are creating their own rules. It’s ultimately up to the spouse to decide if and how this type of behavior will affect their relationship.”
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